Jack

December 19, 2012
I'm sitting here trying just to think of a title for this entry and I have so many emotions and feelings and thoughts that I can't even think of one. Last Friday when the doctor did the ultrasound and said Jack wasn't moving quite like he wanted, he asked me if I was ready to have a baby that evening. I joyously and excitedly said YES over and over. Had I known what was ahead of me in the following minutes, hours and days, I probably would've thought twice.
You always think everything is going to be perfect. That everything will be normal and okay. I tried my hardest throughout this whole pregnancy to ready myself. To tell myself over and over all the things that could possibly happen and prepare for the worst. But the truth is, you can never truly do that. You can ask for Gods help and faith and His strength to get you through what is to come, and He will, but you cannot truly prepare yourself.
The hard contractions started at 6pm when the doctor broke my water. From that moment until 1am, I was in a different world. A world of pain and a mind full of thoughts that I wasn't going to be able to do it. It was a difficult labor to say the very least. And pitocin makes everything worse. I finally surrendered and asked for an epidural, but it was too late. Jack was already making his debut. I think my labor and birth with Jack was a precursor of my life yet to come. Very hard, but very worth it.
Jack came at 1:06 in the morning on Saturday the 15th. I was still in another world as I stared at him. He was pink and beautiful. He looked nothing like Isaac but I thought he was truly beautiful. I had no idea what was coming in the next few minutes.
I held him and stared in to his beautiful eyes for what seemed like 3 minutes, but I am told it was about 20. Then they took him away to check him out. We were happy and excited and about to tell his grandfather that his middle name would be after him, until I heard the doctor say, "just a minute guys."
The next few words would change our lives forever. "I believe Jack has Down syndrome."
It was like a punch in the stomach. The world seemed to stop. Was this really happening?
I needed to hold him. I wanted to have him in my arms. But not only was he not what I was expecting, but he wasn't even there for me to get to see. I needed to remember how beautiful he was. To see a part of me and a part of Karl, but mostly to see Gods plan for us. I knew without a doubt that this was Gods plan. That He had specifically and purposefully and lovingly made Jack how He did and placed Him where He did. I knew that, and it saved me. Saved me from pain, saved me from despair, saved me from sadness. I was not sad. I was not despairing. I was hurting. But you know from previous blogs that I knew that there would be hurt, but that God would be my rock and my source.
Unfortunately after these unexpected and difficult words from the doctor, there were many more to come.
Jack never made it back to my arms that day. The doctor came in and told us he had to be transferred and that I had to stay. This was devastating. I needed to hold him. Needed to love him. Reassure myself and him that I would love him no matter what. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to love him enough. I would be lying to say I am not scared of what is to come. I just want to bond with him. I know it is so essential. I am scared because I cannot hold him that I will not love him enough. But God IS love. And if he is love, then He can certainly give me enough for Jack. I am saying this to myself over aand over because I am reassuring myself and convincing myself that it is true. But I am not perfect, I do fear and I do doubt. But God forgives me for that, and reassures me in millions of small ways and big ways, that He will get us through this and He will give me enough love. Even if I don't get to hold him for weeks.
The hard part is not over. I still covet your prayers jack is still in the hospital and I still can only hold him twice a day for 15 minutes. I am hurting and I am scared. But through it all, I do not doubt the goodness of God. The Lord took away my ideals for a "normal" baby. But He gives and He takes away. He took away what I thought I wanted and He gave me Jack. I know His plan is best.
This blog will be taking a drastic turn from my high risk pregnancy to the life of a family that loves each other and loves Jesus and has a little boy with Down Syndrome named Jack.