Jack

December 19, 2012
I'm sitting here trying just to think of a title for this entry and I have so many emotions and feelings and thoughts that I can't even think of one. Last Friday when the doctor did the ultrasound and said Jack wasn't moving quite like he wanted, he asked me if I was ready to have a baby that evening. I joyously and excitedly said YES over and over. Had I known what was ahead of me in the following minutes, hours and days, I probably would've thought twice.
You always think everything is going to be perfect. That everything will be normal and okay. I tried my hardest throughout this whole pregnancy to ready myself. To tell myself over and over all the things that could possibly happen and prepare for the worst. But the truth is, you can never truly do that. You can ask for Gods help and faith and His strength to get you through what is to come, and He will, but you cannot truly prepare yourself.
The hard contractions started at 6pm when the doctor broke my water. From that moment until 1am, I was in a different world. A world of pain and a mind full of thoughts that I wasn't going to be able to do it. It was a difficult labor to say the very least. And pitocin makes everything worse. I finally surrendered and asked for an epidural, but it was too late. Jack was already making his debut. I think my labor and birth with Jack was a precursor of my life yet to come. Very hard, but very worth it.
Jack came at 1:06 in the morning on Saturday the 15th. I was still in another world as I stared at him. He was pink and beautiful. He looked nothing like Isaac but I thought he was truly beautiful. I had no idea what was coming in the next few minutes.
I held him and stared in to his beautiful eyes for what seemed like 3 minutes, but I am told it was about 20. Then they took him away to check him out. We were happy and excited and about to tell his grandfather that his middle name would be after him, until I heard the doctor say, "just a minute guys."
The next few words would change our lives forever. "I believe Jack has Down syndrome."
It was like a punch in the stomach. The world seemed to stop. Was this really happening?
I needed to hold him. I wanted to have him in my arms. But not only was he not what I was expecting, but he wasn't even there for me to get to see. I needed to remember how beautiful he was. To see a part of me and a part of Karl, but mostly to see Gods plan for us. I knew without a doubt that this was Gods plan. That He had specifically and purposefully and lovingly made Jack how He did and placed Him where He did. I knew that, and it saved me. Saved me from pain, saved me from despair, saved me from sadness. I was not sad. I was not despairing. I was hurting. But you know from previous blogs that I knew that there would be hurt, but that God would be my rock and my source.
Unfortunately after these unexpected and difficult words from the doctor, there were many more to come.
Jack never made it back to my arms that day. The doctor came in and told us he had to be transferred and that I had to stay. This was devastating. I needed to hold him. Needed to love him. Reassure myself and him that I would love him no matter what. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to love him enough. I would be lying to say I am not scared of what is to come. I just want to bond with him. I know it is so essential. I am scared because I cannot hold him that I will not love him enough. But God IS love. And if he is love, then He can certainly give me enough for Jack. I am saying this to myself over aand over because I am reassuring myself and convincing myself that it is true. But I am not perfect, I do fear and I do doubt. But God forgives me for that, and reassures me in millions of small ways and big ways, that He will get us through this and He will give me enough love. Even if I don't get to hold him for weeks.
The hard part is not over. I still covet your prayers jack is still in the hospital and I still can only hold him twice a day for 15 minutes. I am hurting and I am scared. But through it all, I do not doubt the goodness of God. The Lord took away my ideals for a "normal" baby. But He gives and He takes away. He took away what I thought I wanted and He gave me Jack. I know His plan is best.
This blog will be taking a drastic turn from my high risk pregnancy to the life of a family that loves each other and loves Jesus and has a little boy with Down Syndrome named Jack.

11 more days!

December 1, 2012
The countdown begins! Only 11 days until we meet baby Jack, considering he stays healthy like he has been! God has protected him and kept him healthy as we have prayed for and we are so thankful to Him! I had two ultrasounds this week and a non stress test yesterday. Every thing is normal and healthy! The doctor said if he did start to get sick it would happen fast which is why I have to go in about every 3 days until I deliver. I have an amniocentesis on the 11th and then at midnight that nit we head to St Joes for the induction. Please pray for a quick and uneventful induction and delivery and a healthy baby boy! We appreciate your prayers and believe without a shadow of a doubt that God is hearing them and answering!
We are thankful for soo much!
The Lord gives and takes away, but our hearts choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!

Getting close

November 19, 2012
Hello friends! It's time for another update! I had my last MCA doppler ultrasound last Wednesday, that is the one where they check the blood flow in the brain. As of 34 weeks that test is no longer effective or efficient so I will start having different studies next week. On the 27th I have a BPP, which is a different kind of ultrasound and on the 30th I will have a non stress test to see how Jack is doing. Then I repeat the BPP on Dec 2 and repeat the Non stress test on Dec 7. Phew. lots of testing, but I am confident in the Lord that everything will be perfectly normal as it has been every day thus far. Then on the 11th I have an amniocentesis (REALLY long needle) that will check Jack's lung-readiness (for lack of a better word). That night at midnight we head in to St Joseph to start the induction, and Jack should be born on 12/12/12 sometime.
Please pray that the induction would go very smoothly without complication and also that Jack would have NO signs of anemia. If he doesn't, then we should be able to go home in a day or two. If he does, we will probably have to stay in the hospital longer than expected. We really appreicate all the prayers and support we get from all our family and friends! I have been beyond blessed these last 3 months while Karl has been gone. I always have friends and family that are offering to help and I REALLY appreicate it. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without all you family and friends at my side. Andrew and Isaac are doing well. I am doing very well except my occasional hip pain but I really can't complain. We are all healthy and excited to meet Jack really soon.
The Lord gives and takes away. But my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your Name.

Happy update

October 27, 2012

Hello friends!
I am really sorry about taking so long to get this update to you. I have had several ultrasounds since my last update and I am happy to report that Jack is still healthy and doing wonderfully. He is about 3 pounds now! At one ultrasound about a month ago I was told Jack was "head up/breech" and would need to be head down by December or else I would have to have a c-section. So I prayed every day until the next ultrasound and at the next ultrasound he was head down! God is constantly answering our prayers as we follow Him through this journey.
Thank you so much for following us through this whole process and praying for us. Thank you for continuing to pray for us especially as Karl is away 6 days a week and I miss him so much! I did find out that if Jack stays healthy until I am induced in early December that it is possible for him to not have to stay in the NICU at all and just go home! S please pray that this would be the case and that all praise will be given to the One that is due it--Jesus! Thanks again friends! And remember, The Lord gives and takes away, but your heart must CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be your name!

More praises!

September 19, 2012

I had another ultrasound yesterday and have more wonderful news to report! Baby Jack is completely healthy and weighing in at about 2 lbs right now! Praise our Father! And the doctor prayed with me at the ultrasound and said she felt like I was completely healed! She said I have a blessed pregnancy. She is such a gift! God is so good to us!
Another thing I learned yesterday which was new to me is that I will be induced the first week of December because anyone who has what I have is supposed to deliver around 36 weeks and not go full term. So...I ask for your prayers that I will have an uneventful induction and be able to birth Jack naturally and not need a c-section. I know many horror stories related to inductions, please do not post any :) and was not really wanting to go that route, but after all God has done for me, I completely believe it will work out exactly how He wants it.
I am learning through all this that I am in no way in control of my life and he wonderfully controls everything and will work it for His will. It is hard to relinquish control, especially as a woman (all my girls know what I am saying :) ) but I am learning and am thankful for the journey. There are many other areas of my life right now as well as this pregnancy where I basically have no control over what happens and I am learning to give it all to God and focus on what He wants me to focus on. So if you are trying to control all your circumstances and feeling overwhelmed, just pray to God and ask Him to show you his will for your life and try to take it day by day. Colossians 1:9-10
The Lord gives and takes away, my heart will chose to say, Lord, blessed be your name!

Another wonderful update

September 6, 2012
Hello friends! Thank you all for following our blog and praying for us! I had another ultrasound Tuesday and our little baby boris as health has can be! His brain pressures are all better than normal the doctor said! Praise God! He is in the 47th percentile and looks just beautiful! And let me tell you he is very active!
On another note, Karl has had a week off between jobs and that has been wonderful! Andrew started school yesterday and keeps me very busy with his after school activities every day! Isaac is almost 18 months and very active and adorable! Can't wait to see what God has planned for us this upcoming year! It is going to be interesting and challenging and we appreciate all your prayers!
The Lord gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!

God is so good!

August 22, 2012

Went to see my wonderful doctor again yesterday and again have great news! Our little baby boy is 21 weeks and as healthy as can be! It is so amazing that in a few short weeks he would be able to live on his own if he had to be delivered emergently. So incredible how God knits His children in the womb so intricately! Psalm 139 seems more and more real to me every day.
So thank you every one for the prayers and support as we continue on this journey together!
The Lord gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!

Quick Update

August 6, 2012

I just have a quick update for all our followers out there that I had an ultrasound on Friday and the baby is still perfectly healthy! The blood flow in his brain is even better than last time, Praise God! All glory is to be to Him for nothing is a coincidence! Please continue to pray for healthy ultrasound results and protection for the baby from my antibodies! My ultrasounds will continue to be every 2 weeks until I am 30 weeks, and then they will be at least every week. Yay for good news!

The Power of Prayer

July 16 2012 I have no idea where to begin this blog post today as I can barely find the words to express the amazing experience that I had today! I am glad my mom went with me and can reaffirm that it actually happened or I may be prone to believe it was a dream. I entered the office and the doctor said she could tell I was nervous or anxious and put me at ease right away by saying she had an overwhelming wave of peace that this baby was going to be a healthy baby boy! I couldn't believe this! A doctor who was bold and speaking miraculously of the things God told her. She said my faith was strong and would see me through every day and that she believed this baby would be healthy! She said the ultrasound showed all the signs of Downs syndrome had miraculously healed and there was no sign of any anemia at this time! I told God if there were no signs of chromosomal abnormalities that I would not consider it a coincidence but give all the glory to God for a completely healed baby that was a miracle from answered prayer. The doctor said she could feel people praying for this baby and believed in the power of prayer and even prayed over the baby. She prayed against any anemia or sickness that could come. It was without a doubt one of the most unbelievable, spiritual experiences I have ever had in my life, after a few others. God most undoubtedly and most assuredly answered the prayers of hundreds of believers crying out to Him for this baby to live! It is astounding to me that God would pick such an undeserving sinner as I to lavish His miraculous love on in such an obvious and bold way! So if any one of you is wondering if miracles like in the Bible still occur today I can assure you they absolutely do and it happened to me! Of course it is still a possiblility that the baby could get anemia and the road ahead could still get rocky but I have never been so sure in my life that God has a very specific and wonderful plan for this baby boy. So please continue to pray as you obviously are, that God would continue to keep him healthy and for a smooth delivery at the end of this year. I cannot thank you enough for lifting up our little family in love to an amazingly loving God. I feel truly blessed! The Lord gives and takes away! My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!

Only one promise

June 30, 2012 Today I am feeling better. Praise God, He is answering all the prayers of my friends and family diligently praying for me. Tonight I was rocking Isaac and I just held him close and thanked God over and over for this precious perfect healthy baby boy. He is such a delight to me and Karl. I was not given Isaac because of something Karl or I did to deserve him, rather he is a gift we do not deserve. And I was thinking about how so many people think we deserve things. Whether it be money or kids or a spouse, or anything else. Truth is, we deserve nothing but eternal separation from God for the sins we have committed against him. And I was thinking about people I know who have walked away from their faith and Jesus Christ and I think maybe they believed that they were promised something, or deserved something for their faith. Obviously this is not faith at all, but rather an exchange of good deeds for what God could give them. The ONLY thing we are promised is eternal salvation if we believe in Jesus Christ and Him crucified. John 10:28 "I will give then eternal life and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." Thank you Jesus. Karl and I are not promised a healthy baby. We are not promised children at all. We were blessed beyond measure when we had Isaac and will be equally blessed with this baby no matter how long it has life. We do not deserve a healthy baby and we do not expect one. We are happy with what ever Christ chooses to do with this pregnancy and this life. Even if I carry it for many months and God chooses to take it into His arms and we never get to hold it while it is alive, it will not have been for nothing. God has a plan through it all. And I have to hold firm to the faith I have always known so that I do not get disqualified from this race of faith I have been running for my whole life. If I begin to believe I deserve things, I can slip away from this faith and resent God in sin. I will not do this. I will hold fast to the Lord as I have always known Him and loved Him. My ultrasound is July 16th. It seems like forever until that day. I will get to hear the heartbeat, if God so chooses. After that I will begin the weekly ultrasounds to check the baby's blood flow in his or her brain. Thank you for listening to my thoughts and feelings. I love you all and covet your prayers for this life within. The Lord gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name!

Hard days

Well I called Dr Reads office today and found out that our little one if definitely Rh positive. If it had been negative (which was a long shot) then my body would not try to attack it and thus the baby would've had a better shot of being healthy. BUT God had other plans. I am learning that His plans are always better, it just may take time for me to see why. I knew it was a long shot that the baby would be Rh negative like me, but something in me was really hoping. I was waiting until I heard these results today to post our blog on Facebook because I didn't want to tell EVERYONE if it turned out to be totally fine. However it is clear now that this will not be the case. And for that reason I will ask for all the prayers, help, understanding, and support I can get. So I will be posting this blog on Facebook today. I am going through a very rough time right now. Emotionally and health-wise I guess. I have been sick for 10 days with no sign of relief. This is taking a toll on me. I can't get any naps or sleep at night because I am up coughing all night. I know it will pass but this week and past are very tough. My dad is having surgery today, Andrew is 8 (enough said) and I don't have the energy to give to Andrew and Isaac like I want to. There is just so much overwhelming me. I am so blessed though! Our Family and friends have been so great. Someone has managed to take one or both of them everyday. And I appreciate it so much! I just feel guilty because even with all the help and love and support, I cannot kick this thing. And I am just not emotionally present. Please prey for us. I believe God will teach me something through this all. The Lord gives and takes away, but my heart will CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be your name.

Father's Day

June 17,2012 Today we were able to tell our church body at Summit about our situation, in very limited detail, and they prayed for us. I believe 100% in the power of Prayer. I believe if God chooses he can heal our little one. And while I appreciate story after story about people hearing bad news and then the baby turns out perfectly healthy, I do not want to pretend to know Gods plan for OUR baby. What if He Predestined this baby for Downs or even death? I must be ok with that. And I am. Because there is no where better for any person in the whole world to be than right in the center of God's will. I am at peace at this time with any circumstance God has for us. For I know, that God gives us trials to sharpen us and mold us and grow us in Him. I am not pretending I will feel this way every day, but I pray that that will be the case. I have times of fear. Fear that I will be very sad at some point and not be a good mother to Isaac or not a good wife to Karl. I know though that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but the spirit as adoption as sons of Christ, and we can call him "Abba, (or aDaddy)." (Romans 8) I just have to deal with that as it comes bc God will give me the strength I need for each day as I call on Him as my father. Plus, I am overwhelmingly blessed with tons and tons of family and friends who are there for us ANY time we need them and that is an indescribable gift! There is nothing more that I will be finding out about the baby for a month bc I have my next ultrasound at 16 weeks. After that, I believe I will be getting a check every week to see if the baby starts getting stressed or anemic. I also will find out at that appointment a little more clearly, just what the odds are of this baby having Downs syndrome. So I am not sure how many more blogs I will have before then, but just know I plead for your prayers and appreciate you all. This baby will be incredibly loved no matter what! Of that, I am 100% sure! And remember, the Lord gives and He takes away, but our heart must CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be Your Name.

Doctor calls...

June 15, 2012 The doctor called today and said the chromosome tests for Downs or Turners came back "very positive." Turners disease is a chromosomal abnormality in which the baby dies around 20 weeks. And of course we all know what Downs syndrome is. He also said with my Rh sensitivity this could mean a number of different things and we just have to wait and see (of course). It is overwhelmingly sad to me that so many women would choose to kill their own baby at this point. Over 90% of Downs babies are never held in their mothers arms bc they are aborted. How sad. Those babies go into Jesus's arms but how sad for those women who must deal with the pain and sorrow and regret of choosing death and also how sad for the joy of a beautiful human being that God made that they missed out on. If we do have a baby with Downs syndrome, that baby will be loved every day of his or her life. That baby may not know much, but what is more important than learning love and learning about Jesus? When I first told Karl that they baby may have Downs, he said, "oh good, those babies are so cute!" I love that. Every day we go though this, I love Karl more and more. And I love Isaac more and more. And I love Jesus more and more. So ALREADY good has come from this situation. I read a wonderful verse that I meditate on almost hourly now. Psalm 119:75 "I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and in your faithfulness, you have afflicted me." What a great verse for Karl and I at this time! God is not in heaven saying "ooops" rather He designed this situation and allowed it and has good to come of it, if we trust in Him. And indeed, good already has come from it as I mentioned earlier. Please pray that Gods will be done. Please pray that my mind would hold fast to Jesus and not wander down a myriad of unhelpful avenues, in which it tends to wander. The Lord gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.

Starting a blog about Bogrand baby #2. THE JOURNEY BEGINS

June 13, 2012

Hello friends and family
I am starting a blog for all our friends and family and loved ones about our journey we are embarking on as we get ready for baby #2. This first blog will probably be a long one bc there is much backgroup to go over, but my hope in creating this blog is to reach all our friends and family with the love of Christ and explain how he gets us through the tough times. Jesus does not promise us an easy life, He promises us that if we live for Him, it will all be worth it.
So... With that being said I will get in to the details of our little one we expect by the end of the year. I am Rh negative and Karl is Rh positive. Back in the day, this used to mean trouble when having children. But with the modern age of technology this is no longer a problem... USUALLY. However, when I gave birth to Isaac there was crossing of blood from him to me and since then my body has been creating antibodies against any other babies that I may carry. USUALLY, a woman would just take Rhogam at 28 weeks and after the birth of her first baby, which I did, and then her body would not create antibodies. BUT, my body aparently rejected this Rhogam or needed more. Whatever the case, I apparently had a 0.03% of becoming "sensitized." which I did. To me, this tells me God has a very specific plan for this pregnancy and baby.
So what does all this mean for our baby? Well, my body has created antibodies C and D which are the two worst. This means the antibodies are going through the placenta, into the baby and lysing (or killing) its red blood cells, causing it to be anemic, or not have enough blood. The technical term is Hemolytic Disease of the newborn or HDN. This means there is a very high chance that at some point in the next 28 weeks, our baby will get sick. The closer to 40 weeks I get the more likely the baby will get more anemic and more anemic. It could lose its life at any point spontaneously, or it could slowly get sick. This means starting at 16 weeks (in a month) I will begin weekly ultrasounds. At these ultrasounds the drs will be checking the blood flow in the baby's head and if it becomes to fast, this means the baby is getting sick. At this point the baby and I will need to under go an intrauterine blood transfusion. This takes place in an OR at UW hospital and I will be put under so I don't move. With technology advancements, the risk is 1% for me and the baby at UW. If the baby responds well to this, then we continue to wait.
The ultimate hope is that the baby will make it in the womb until about 34 weeks with few complications. The dr informed me that with my high antibody D number, this is not likely, but it is possible. The baby will not stay in my "hostile environment" til 40 weeks like most women, but will probably be early, at thlatest and latest, 36 weeks. I will have to have a c section bc the baby will already be sick and cannot handle a vaginal birth. This makes me very sad. But I understand.
Once the baby is delivered, he or she will be in the NICU for quite some time. He or she will need to have many blood transfusions slowly in order to give it new blood and get my antibodies out of his blood. And bc of all the lysing and lysed red blood cells, he will have hyperbilirubinemia, or severe jaundice.
And as if this weren't enough, I apparently also have some indicators that this baby may have Downs syndrome or Turners disease. But, you know what? I am already preparing myself for the worst case scenario so there is no point in me focusing on all the dozens of other things that could happen. God has a plan, and I have no idea what it is, but I trust Him. No matter what may be wrong with this baby, we will love it for every second we have it. No matter if that is one second or a lifetime.
So, I am telling all of you this for many reasons. The first is bc i know you all care and would like to keep updated. The second is because I ask for your prayers. The third is that i dont want to have to explain this confusing and complicated disease over and over. The fourth is because I hope to share my faith in God with you and tell you how he gets Karl and I through this, not ONLY gets us through it but grows us together and closer to Him. He has a plan for this baby. Even if his plan is to teach me, stretch me, grow me and then take this baby from my womb straight in to His arms, I am ok with this. It does not scare me, or stress me, or make me worry. At times, it makes me sad, but in my sadness I do not doubt God or feel angry with Him. Now this may change as these actual events occur, I am not perfect. However, I will rely on Him and ask for your prayers. He is my strength and my song. My rock and my strong tower. He gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name.